Gas is expensive, people need to buy motorized bicycles.  Like the quality one’s these two guys sell on their site, Extreme Green Cycling.  I know I’m going to buy 10 of them just for myself.  And that guy in the shorts on the right looks really cool.  He should run for President of the United States of America.  He might be overqualified for that job though.  Go buy yourself a motorized bicycle now!

And by that I mean, Mr. John Woo. The Literal translation of the real title is ‘Bloodshed on the Streets’ which is pretty lame compared to ‘Bullet in the Head’. Once you watch the movie (you must) you will realize why the title is so very appropriate in relation to the story. This movie is pretty sweet, aside from the awful smooth jazz elevator soundtrack common among many of the Asian movies I’ve seen. The plot to the movie can be summed up in one sentence. Greed can cause friends to shoot each other and other people, namely in the head. The story is this: A couple of friends (from here on out we’ll call them the A team) accidentally murder some dude that jokingly broke a bottle on their friends face. The A Team has to flee and what better place to go than Vietnam. As a bonus, it just so happens the U.S. of A is there ridding the country of evil communism at that same time. The A Team resorts to theft and all hell breaks loose during a big gold heist. There’s also a thinly plotted love story thrown in for good measure, but it’s pretty weak and the movie centers more around friends fucking each other over and killing peeps, etc.

A definite must see, I leave you with one of the best quotes in the movie(stolen from imdb):

Paul: “Today I saw a soldier kill a man and I learnt something. In this world, we can do anything if we have guns!”

(This was a subtitle, I don’t speak Cantonese or Vietnamese, for all I know he really said ‘Eat McDonalds or I’ll f’ing shoot you in the face dumb American’. )

I didn’t realize how progressive my district is. See, I live in the 44th district in the state of MO, and apparently they encourage all residents to subscribe to Playboy. It’s actually great marketing and promotion for Playboy as well as the 2008 district directory.  Maybe I’ve just been had.  You see, I received my annual district directory today, courtesy of my district representative Jenee Lowe, whom I believe mailed it to me personally. She must have typed ‘Current Occupant or Gugler Residence’ as a joke; I know we’re on a first name basis. We know each other so well, I bet she just decided to play a little joke on me and inserted this into my district directory:

You dirty jokester Jenee! Now, it was definately a good effort, but come on, couldn’t you have thought of something better than that? Granted, you did put it under the ‘Social Services’ section. Well placed Jenee, well placed. So here’s to you. I’m definitely voting to reelect you when your term is up. Not just because you attempt to humor the people, but also because you’re not horrifyingly ugly or old. Good job at slipping a picture of yourself into the directory, thats how you get votes. I mean, what the fuck else would I have to determine my vote, issues? If I voted on issues I wouldn’t have written in Tom Hanks for the 2004 general election. Now, what the fuck is a district state representative anyways?

I guess I used to be quite the Garfield fan. I also used to think lasagna was a dessert, a pan full of chocolate. I was so traumatized when I found out Lasagna was really a delicious italian dish generally made with a red sauce that I haven’t read Garfield since. I do still have Garfield books 1-25 I’ve kept around purely for nostalgia, but I’ve recently come across something much better, Garfield minus Garfield.

“Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness in a quiet American suburb.”

Now, I do enjoy Garfield’s biting sarcasm, but I never realized what a sad, sad man Jon Arbuckle was. If Jon Arbuckle did not have the company of Garfield and his faithful sidekick Odie, I fear he might be the type of person that stores his x-girlfriends in his freezer for Garfield’s lasagna. He’s a scary man. Stay away from Jon Arbuckle.

Yet another film from Mr. Miike, this one not quite up to par with City of Lost Souls. It’s actually part of a trilogy he made called ‘The Black Society Trilogy’. Overall it’s a pretty mediocre movie. That’s probably to be expected when you pump out as many movies as Mr. Miike does.

Rainy Dog is the story of a pretty somber hired assassin, Yuuji. In the beginning we see that Yuuji carrying out his work while becoming increasingly depressed. You can tell by the fact that through most of the movie he has a huge frown. Prozac, Xanax, Cialis, nothing seems to help him out here. One day some random whore comes by his place and drops off a little mute boy, claiming the boy is Yuuji’s son. Yuuji has never seen a kid in real life, so he leaves the kid outside, but the kid relentlessly follows him around. After Yuuji visits a local bordello he seems to change his attitude. Maybe he just needed to get laid? His fathering skills are pretty amazing, I believe he watched a lot of Super Nanny on network television. After he invites the kid into his house he throws some clothes at him and continues to ignore him. I believe that lesson was called ‘Fend for yourself, bitch.’ Unfortunately this new turn of attitude turns him soft and ruins his career. The End.

One redeeming factor in the movie is the music. The soundtrack consists of very minimal western guitar. Kinda vaguely like the music in Dead Man taken down a notch. I’d say this is a breath of fresh air compared to the ridiculous elevator music many of the other Asia-flicks I’ve seen contain. I’m tempted to just play the audio to Rainy Dog next time I watch an Asian film with crappy music.

Through much debate and soul searching, I’d say it’s worth watching, but nothing to write home about.

I recently read Yakuza Moon, an autobiographical book about a Japanese Yakuza’s daughter. Yes, believe it or not, I can read. There’s a certain charm about book written by a gangster’s daughter who dropped out of school before learning how to actually write. I’m sure translating it in to English didn’t help much either. In fact, in the epilogue she actually apologizes for being such a piss poor writer. The entire book is written at such an extremely low level, you could read it to your children at night if it didn’t contain so much violent sex and needle stabbing drug use. On second thought, I would read it to my kids. Though it may read like a Nancy Drew novel, it is actually worth your time if you’re interested in Japanese culture. Particularly the seedy underground of Young Japanese speed freaks in the 80’s. You wonder if Shoko, the author, is a complete masochist as she takes the abuse of multiple men banging and beating her repeatedly or if it’s just the constant stream of speed running through her bloodstream that keeps her from standing up for herself. The problem all roots down to her father who was an angry Yakuza who ultimately failed as a Yakuza and brought the family down into massive debt and harassment by creditors(and shame. Deep, deep shame. What a failure). Much like most of the U.S. right now. The moral? Credit Debt is bad people. Stop living off credit or you will end up doing speed while being repeatedly raped by the mob, aka Credit companies.

Read Yakuza Moon to see what you’re in for.

Incredible Basketball Photo!

After three days of binge drinking and basketball madness I’ve somehow managed to survive.  Now all I’m left with is an empty bank account and one of those hangover’s where you question your existence on earth.  I’m probably hungry but I don’t have the will to eat any food. I also feel the need to eat some ultra greasy artery clogging fast food.  Anyways, I did have a good time this weekend regardless of the hangover I’ve been left with.  My bro and a friend of his came to town and we went down to the Sprint Center in Kansas City’s “Power and Light District” on Friday to see two of the games and drink lots of $7 beers.  The entire area was pretty much just a massive party full of belligerent basketball fans, but it made for a pretty interesting time.  Especially for someone like myself that has very little interest in basketball to begin with.   Nothing beats the scalpers trying to sell tickets to the last 20 minutes of a game for $20.  I thought about buying the tickets and setting them on fire in front of the scalper but instead decided to save my money for two beers.  Saturday we spent all day at one bar watching the games, only to leave afterwards and go to 75th street brewery to continue drinking.  Then we decided to go back to my house and drink more.  I believe I have done my part in helping boost the economy for this year, so where’s my $600 government stimulus check?  I want it now.

Also, why can’t basketball players keep their fucking shoes on?

As you can see I recently released another Mammoth Life video that will blow your mind. It may just be a live single camera video, but this brilliant video may just be the future of music video’s. Of course since I filmed it, it must be.

Now, as I was admiring my handiwork and my amazing use of a single pan across the stage at the perfect moment in the video I thought to myself, ‘Can anyone truly top my master film making techniques?’. Unfortunately I have found that I have a very, very ruthless, competitor in the art of all video making. This is not just a solo act, but a duo, which has the potential to completely destroy me. Their promising talent threatens to dishonor and make me look a fool. I will definitely be upping my game to try and keep up but I do not know how long I can stay within the same level as Fred and Sharon. My subject matter may be superior, but their brilliant special effects are incredible.  I must study them and their brilliant use of 3d graphics and multimedia.

Raging Bull is a Scorsese movie starring Robert Deniro who plays a self-destructive narcissistic boxer with an anger problem. Sounds like a ‘hoot’, right? Well, it actually makes for a pretty drab film. Sure, Mr. Yamata has a crazy crappy life, but it’s his own fault. Too many punches in the face will make you an angry dumb boxer I guess. Maybe he should keep his guard up? He consistently lets other boxers beat the hell outta him before coming back to destroy them. The fights scenes in the movie aren’t bad, they’re pretty brutal, with lots of blood spattering. He also enjoys treating his wives like dirt and and having crazy paranoid roid rages regarding his friends and family sleeping with his wife. Taking the glass is half full approach, here are the positives about the movie:

• Brutal beatings outside of the ring. (His brother repeatedly smashes someones head in a car door) Bar fights, etc…
• Boxer crying bout, much like Rocky 3 (or 4?)
• De Niro’s more than sufficient acting (albeit for a crappy part)
• De Niro makes out with a 14 year old

And the awful aspects of the movie:

• The entire script.
• Way too much time travel.
• The 15 minute paranoid ‘Did you bang my wife?’ scene is about as entertaining as watching The Price is Right as hosted by Drew Carey.

Overall I didn’t really hate the movie with a passion but it wasn’t too spectacular. Perhaps in 1980 it was a great film but things have changed quite a bit over the years.  Or perhaps this movie just serves to make Gigli look like the greatest achievement in modern cinema, ever.

I imagine most everyone that at least vaguely pays attention to what’s going on in the great United States of America has at least heard the words ‘Mortgage Crisis’. People bought homes they couldn’t afford without reading the loan terms that say ‘Hey, in five years we’re gonna bend you over and show you how we banks like to do business!’ and then [to cover their asses] under their breath they say ‘your rates are gonna skyrocket bitch.’ This I believe is what has brought about the mass amount of ‘investors’ hounding people to buy their property so they can flip it and make money. Alright, no problem with that, but please, can you not send me so much fucking unsolicited mail? Also, I don’t think it helps if you repeatedly send me 5 copies of the same letter in one day, written by your 12 year old kid. I believe I’ve gotten at least 5 mailers from Mr Greg and Mary Pregon, two in the same day with the same error ridden letter in them. I’m no english major, but I’m writing a blog on the internet which noone reads, I don’t have to be. I; can make, (all) the damn! errors-I) please! I’m not going to print out my blog and send two copies to every homeowner in Kansas City to show them how awesome of a writer I am.

I get the fucking picture! You buy houses! Now quit fucking sending me unsolicited letters. “WE CAN HELP YOU IN ANY SITUATION RIGHT NOW?” Are you asking me? What the fuck? I don’t know, can you? Can you help me tile my bathroom? Come over next week, you bring the tools and the tile, I’ll supply the food and drinks(for myself). And no breaks until you’re done.